Against his will
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Kantarou thinks about the consequences of his decision to wake up Haruka.


**Fandom: Tactics  
Title: Against his will.  
Pairing: Haruka + Kan  
Rating: PG  
Description: Kantarou thinks about the consequences of his decision to wake up Haruka****.**

**Disclaimer: Tactics doesn****'****t belong to me, but the haiku does.  
**  
Scraping a seashell,  
Staring out to the ocean,  
I waited for you.

**Against his will.  
By miyamoto yui  
**  
There was a question I always wanted to ask you.

I knew it was foolish to make it my life's work by camouflaging it in the form of being a "scholar", but I wanted to find you. Maybe it is childish and that's why I continue to grow in this ridiculous form. I never quite look like I've grown up even though my mind is beyond that of a mere child. However, I cannot erase the fact that I stay this way in order to have people low on their guard. Who would be suspicious of someone whose face ruefully plays that of an innocent?

How could I ever possibly tell them that I wanted to be an oni? No, that wasn't quite right. In other words, I was looking for that of which had the form and mentality of one. No, that wasn't correct either.  
I wanted the strength of one. To be impenetrable. Maybe I wanted to erase all the weakness that had always encompassed my heart to make myself possibly into an unfeeling monster.

Maybe my occupation wasn't a disguise after all. I looked for the facts and presented them because they were "truth".

But as I lifted my fingers in eyesight to make an "L" that looked as if it hooked the moon through the open den, I laid there silently as if I were drunk. I didn't want to get up and I didn't want to move while knowing full well that I wanted to be carried off like a spoiled little boy. I knew also that I should have just gotten up and gone to bed so that I wouldn't catch a cold.  
Whoever truly listened to logic anyway?

Sometimes I made myself sick by listening to myself with all these "facts". Just because they were there didn't mean that I was supposed to accept them. They were just, well, _there_. What did it matter if I picked them up?

Like human thoughts, they somehow made a linear pattern at one point or another. And then they diverged into branches once more, never coming back to the same spot. Every perspective would be different from more investigation and observation. Even more through experience.

"I don't want to get up," I whispered to myself.

She's already sleeping, but I didn't know if he is. I knew he wasn't. He didn't ever seem like he ever slept at all. He's sitting in front of me on a rock.

Haruka's looking down at the koi pond and he's in lost in thought as I was looking at him.

What was it about this person that I admired? It all came back to that single memory as I swung my feet back and forth while saying that I would search for him. I promised that I would. And now that he was before me, I was farther away from him than ever.

He was colder than when he wasn't here. Somehow, I couldn't push away the fact that this overwhelming sadness gave me some happiness. Why of all things? He was here and I was his master, even if he said it was just for a little while.

But what was he thinking, I wondered. He never wanted to talk and volunteer any information. I didn't expect him to. I only wanted to meet him. And this lifelong ambition came true.

I just didn't think about the price. What would he want from me? What could a weakling like me ever possibly offer him?

Was I selfish to search for someone who probably never wanted to be found? That wasn't right though.

Whether youkai, angel, oni, human, whatever…  
No one wants to be left alone.

Somewhere deep inside each being, without a rational reason,  
we all wanted to be found.

In some way, because we were all flawed, we sought after what another had and that's how connections are made. That's how relationships were built.

And so, I guess, that more than having someone with me or someone to look for or even to be cared for, I wanted to meet this person more than anything. I truly believed he held the truth that I was looking for, this strength that seemed to allude me in more ways than one.

I didn't think about him or his feelings, though. I didn't expect anything of him. I didn't know how it would be. Until now, I still didn't know if this was what I wished for and if it was my right to keep him here. I didn't know why all this confusion and doubt came into my head, but I knew one thing: I cried.

That single tear had reached him. And if my feelings somehow pushed through, then that was enough for me.

Satisfied at this, I smiled to myself, closing my eyes for a brief second. I would stop staring now, if that's what you wanted-

"Haruka?"

I was so tired that I couldn't even lift my body. It wouldn't do as I said.

And here was Haruka lifting me off the floor. For someone whose icy eyes never seemed to melt, his hands and his body were warmer than I thought they'd be. I just blinked my eyes in bewilderment because I wanted to protest, but was too comfortable to. I was too shocked to utter a word in my defense.  
He just stared straight in front of him, not even glancing at down me.

Somehow, as he mechanically put me into my futon, he glanced away, not wanting to look into my eyes. His arrogance seemed to leave him for a brief moment and I caught him off-guard. With all my strength, I grabbed his arm firmly.

I wanted to capture this instant into my mind. It would be a memory that I wanted to recall.

In this darkness, I wanted to ask him the question that I'd always wanted him to answer for me. My pleading eyes said to him, "What does real strength mean?"

But when he turned his head and his gaze reached mine, I stopped myself. His usually vacant and angered eyes gave way to pain and contemplation.

I had to let him go before I'd suffocate him with all my expectancy...

And so, I gently took my hand away as he blinked his eyes and turned away from me once more. I watched him as his feet hit the floor and gradually left me behind.

My question didn't seem important anymore.

His eyes had replied, "It means to shout into the silence.  
You're lucky to feel as freely as you do. It's hard for those who can't say a word of the things that tear them apart and scream from the depths of their emptiness.

To be brave enough to scream even if there's no one to hear to you."

Somehow, I felt guilty about ever wanting him to answer my question, about my selfishness of ever asking him to come back here.  
Against his own will.

I turned away from the doorway and was numb to anything else. Silent tears fell down.  
I was waiting for so long to meet you, but you weren't expecting me, were you?

"I don't dislike you."  
The door closed. I was so distracted that I didn't know he was still there.

I didn't know he was there listening to me all that time.

But I was still crying. I didn't know if it was out of sadness for him and what I had done, or if it was out of happiness for him trying his best to comfort me. More than anything, I didn't want him to humor me.

From the hollowness of my soul and the sobbing that seemed to become louder inside of me while my mouth closed to make it quieter from the outside,

was this the path to that of true strength?

Just then, Haruka's eyes clearly painted itself into my mind in colors as if they were bleeding into one another from a painting that wasn't quite dried yet.

Yes.

And it was something, it seemed, that he didn't want another being to ever, ever know.

**Owari. / The End.**

**Author****'****s note:** A fairly new title to me, but I got interested in the manga since I've heard about Sakura Kinoshita-sensei's work before. I just can't recall from what, who or where. Maybe it's because I've learned names of doujinshikas and their manga artist names at the same time.  
But all in all, this title has potential. I hope it will continue to catch my interest.  
**  
November 6, 2004, 11:59 PM  
**


End file.
